Remember the two flasks of radioactive material that have gone missing from a sealed storage unit at the UK’s Sellafield nuclear facility run by the Nuclear Management Partners consortium? We don't want to alarm anyone but it seems there may be a sinister and disturbing reason for their disappearance…

Robots are stealing them.

It’s a chilling development. The flasks ‘were stored in a "cave" with such high levels of radioactivity that the canisters can only be moved only by robots’ but ‘the consortium had so far offered no explanation as to how remotely controlled robots could have effected such a removal service unobserved by managers and workers alike, or by the site's security services.’

There can only be one explanation: the robots have become self-aware and are striking their first blow against humanity as prophesised by the Terminator movies. Why else would they be stockpiling nuclear material? Is this a prelude to a robot uprising and a humans vs the machine war? By not offering an explanation, the Nuclear Management Partners are clearly collaborating with our robotic enemies, the traitors!

This must be the reason. The only other explanation is also too terrifying to contemplate – that one of the most radioactive places on the planet is being overseen by a bunch of unbelievable incompetents (they also allowed a 14-month radioactive leak), unable to properly safeguard the highly dangerous radioactive materials in their ‘care’.

(Regular readers will no doubt be unsurprised to hear that French nuclear clowns Areva is a member of the Nuclear Management Partners.)