Meet Patrick Moore. He claims to be one of the founders of Greenpeace but now likes to tell the world that we and those like us ‘are simply gloom and doom prophets and eco loonies, looking to enrich themselves by scaring the general public into believing in threats that don’t exist.’ (It’s true, we’re all incredibly rich here at Greenpeace – wave and say hello if you ever see us flying around in our solid gold helicopters.)

‘I don’t believe there is a global warming problem,’ says Moore. Environmentalists are ‘anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-people and anti-civilization’ and are ‘simply thugs’. Nuclear power is ‘a clean renewable energy source. Science has solved the problem of nuclear waste disposal,’ he says. And ‘when it comes to my derriere, I prefer soft to sandpaper’.

Say that again, Patrick?

‘When it comes to my derriere, I prefer soft to sandpaper.’

That’s what we thought you said. Patrick, really. Is a newspaper article the best place to be discussing your toilet arrangements? We really don’t need to know what you get up to in your bathroom.

Us environmentalists of course prefer sandpaper to soft, don’t we? We find there’s nothing like a really sore derriere to motivate our anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-people and anti-civilization campaigns. Greenpeace, says Moore, want us all to ‘wipe with scratchy paper to rid ourselves of eco-guilt.’

Oh dear. He’s discovered our sinister masterplan. We’d better confess. It is Greenpeace’s top secret aim to force the entire human race into using only scratchy toilet paper. Only when everyone else has bottoms as sore as ours will we end our campaign of terror.